It’s been a little while since I’ve done one of my wordy posts so I thought I was probably over due giving you a more in depth update on things going on with me!
*this is a very wordy post and I will be talking about some topics which could be sensitive for those suffering from an ED, if you feel like this might affect you negatively please reconsider reading :-)
I always really enjoy writing these posts as I often discover so much just through the process of getting it all out of my head. I’ve come to realise that the process of self reflection is very important for me. I also like to share because I know that so many of you can relate to different aspects of what I’ve been experiencing.
First of all I thought it might be useful to link to a few of my other wordy posts in chronological order in case any of you are catching up:
- Feeling snacky and what is healthy
- Where I am now and a bit of a rant
- Health Weight Gain
- Another Honest Blog Post
- The Evolution of my Diet
I have to admit its rather interesting reading these posts back – the scary thing is that I’ve thought I was on the right lines many times before so now it’s back to the drawing board!
I sit here today, about 4 stone (56lbs) less than I was 4 years ago, but about 17lbs more than I was at this point last year. I can hand on heart say I am probably the happiest in terms of my how my body looks now than I have ever been at any point in my life. Just writing that has made me smile! I’ve been on every diet under the sun, I’ve been obese, very slim and now I finally feel like I’m actually around about the right size for me. Although I have felt that way before when I have been thinner, I think that as I have been there and back again and because I have tackled some disordered thought patterns, this time the words really reflect how I feel inside. I do have some loose skin, stretch marks and a slight muffin top but I also have my breasts back, a cracking pair of legs and a fab waist. I’m never going to have a ‘perfect’ body whatever that may be, but I’m damn grateful for what I’ve got. Personally I love having some curves along with a bit of muscle as I feel it suits my frame and I feel strong and confident :-)
I was tracking my calories for a while to make sure that I was eating enough (ironic considering I was once so overweight!) to make sure that I was progressing with tackling my amenorrhea situation. It worked really well at helping me maintain my weight and stop binging, particularly while I was running. Over the last couple of months I’ve stopped calorie counting and have been trying to eat more intuitively. I’ve also stopped weighing myself. I know I have gained weight as a result of the indulgences of the music festival and my birthday as well as lots of going out in between, but as I have said above, while I can look at myself naked in the mirror and feel pretty happy with what I see I couldn’t give a toss what the number on the scale says. And I actually mean it this time!
The foods I eat have also changed rather dramatically and I think they will change even more in the coming months. After being mostly vegan for a little over a year I have started adding dairy and eggs back into my diet. I have also increased the amount of fat and protein I eat. Anything low fat does not go into my trolley, I’m full fat all the way! Tinned full fat coconut milk, full fat Greek yoghurt and full fat goats cheese are staples for me now. Don’t get me wrong, for a long time I felt the best I ever had eating a vegan diet and it may be in time that I return to it, however I feel like to need to have come full circle with my diet and re educate myself on what is best for my body by listening to it rather than just doing what the books or research tells me.
I did mention in my September goals that I was going to do a lot of self reflection and experimentation in these next few months and my diet is a big part of this. To be honest I’m worried that past decisions I have made to become vegetarian and then vegan were actually done for the right reasons. I do worry how much influence reading blogs may have had, take the current Paleo trend for example. I have nothing against anyone trying it out, but I have felt a strange urge to try it even after not eating meat for the last two years! I now feel that I am in a place where I do not want to label myself or my diet in any way and just see what works by starting again from scratch based on what I believe in and what feels right.
Doing my training with IIN has made me take a totally fresh look at all of this and I have spent a lot of time thinking about my own dietary philosophy and approach that I would like to base my health coaching practice on. I have so much to share with you on this, but the basic premise is that different diets work for different people – we are all unique individuals and it makes perfect sense to me that not one way of eating will ever be right for everyone of us. I want to help people to cut through the crap to find out what works for them! Going through that process myself is the first step.
After being a committed runner for two years I packed in running once I’d realised it was not doing me any good mentally or physically. I haven’t ran in over two months. I still workout, but no where near as hard as I used to. My workouts are challenging but not punishing and I actually enjoy them. I have two rest days a week instead of one, and at least one workout a week is yoga. Speaking of which I’ve just fallen head over heels for yoga, especially hot yoga. It’s a great form of exercise for my current situation. I also love strength training – and I know it has been lifting weights that has helped me build more muscle to give that extra padding a bit of scaffolding to hold it in place!
So that is kind of where things are with me. Still no sign of my period at the moment but I continue to feel confident its just a matter of time until it comes back. I may have to consider cutting back on exercise a bit more especially as my time becomes even more precious in the months to come. I’m currently working full time, studying, writing this blog and setting up two businesses as well as trying to be the best wife, friend, daughter, sister and auntie I can be. Its crazy times! I love everything I have going on, I just need to remind myself to deal with any stress when it arises. I’m journaling every day and my weekend of Reiki has given me some new tools to help as well!
Basically I feel like over the last couple of months I have become so much more relaxed around food and exercise. This has resulted me getting slightly bigger, but the trade off is a happier me all round and a better over all quality of life!
If you are still reading after all of that, thank you!
Have you ever questioned your actions or looked critically at why you eat a certain way? Do you do much self reflection? Have you ever felt influenced to adopt a certain diet? Do you label your diet?