Berlin was a really great city break and we had a fab time, but something I didn’t include in my post about the trip was that I had a bit of a body confidence meltdown while we were there. Most of the time I really, genuinely, love my body. But what I have noticed over the past few months is that I have these ‘wobbles’ as I like to call them – Uniquely Healthy clients know that I use that word often – when I really don’t feel great. Of course over the last 18 months my weight has steadily been rising (if you are catching up, I lost too much weight, stopped menstruating and decided to gain weight to try at get my body healthy again) and naturally that has presented some issues, but over all I actually feel like I dealt with that very well. I’m now a UK size 12/14 and I’ve fully accepted and embraced this body shape as the healthiest place for me and my body at this point in my life.
I can’t quite pin point what it was in Berlin, but all my clothes felt tight and uncomfortable, I felt like I didn’t have any ‘control’ over what I could eat (a whole post in itself I think), and there was a lot of very slim girls around. Yes, I fell right into the body confidence black hole and started comparing myself to others. I think I also made some poor fashion choices and what I brought with me was not flattering at all, so when I was looking at photos I thought I looked like a whale.
One of the days we were there we went into Monki for a look at the clothes – well I went in and dragged James behind me. I used to love getting stuff from Monki when I was smaller as their big silhouettes and cuts suit a more slender shape. Now, you must be joking. I immediately thought about looking like Homer in his fat dress and even the trousers and jeans looked like they were made to fit a 4 year old. I left the shop feeling like shit.
James bless him, gets rather frustrated with me. He just doesn’t didn’t understand why I should feel the way I did. ‘Buy another ice cream and forget about it’ is his answer (oh how I love him!) As it happens I pulled myself together and it didn’t overly impact the holiday negatively at all. There’s only so much feeling crap you can do with a pint of black beer in one hand and a bratwrust in the other!
I have learned that I seem to have a weight where 3 or 4 pounds either side, can be the difference between feeling comfortable and not feeling comfortable. As I’m just into the ‘overweight’ BMI category (BMI is bollocks though, I’m only saying that to provide some kind of reference point for you) then losing 3-4 pounds to feel comfortable in my size 14 jeans is more than justifiable in my book.
The point of this ramble is really to share that I do still sometimes have these ‘wobbles’. When I came home, I went into dial it up mode (see my manifesto for more on dialling it up) and after a couple of days I felt better, my clothes suddenly fit again and I’m back to being able to look in the mirror and see all the good bits rather than the less good bits. I’ve since lost 4 lb without any detoxes or stupidly restrictive eating and feel really good again.
It doesn’t matter what size you are, we all get these body confidence wobbles. I know what triggers mine off now, and I know how to get myself sorted. I am aware that sometimes it just isn’t that easy to overcome, and those wobbles can happen a lot more often. There is no magic wand to wave unfortunately, but I know that for me, getting to grips with what makes me feel rubbish and thinking about ways to deal with that in a healthy way can help. I also know that sometimes I am just in ‘one of those moods’ and I need to ride it out. Talking to someone about it, and even having a good cry might make you feel better. If you are feeling a bit bloated, wearing clothes that don’t cut into you like a cheese wire is a good idea as well!
I’ve talked about my love of inspiration boards before and having some images that you can look at to help put things into perspective is useful. For me, I have some pics of vintage pin ups on my pin board, they remind me that curvy can be sexy, and that Monki can get stuffed. Sorry if you shop there, no offence intended of course, it’s actually a great shop but that day it really pissed me off!
Do you have body confidence wobbles? How do you deal with them? Have you ever had a shopping experience like mine?