image credit: the amazingly talented Lucie from Collecting Light
Well it has been a while since my last wordy post and I do have quite a lot to share so grab a cup of something warm and get comfortable! I am going to swear and talk weight numbers here, so if you don’t wish to read that kind of stuff then click away now ;-)
If you are a new reader and have no idea what I’m going on about, you can read my other wordy posts here, but the very short and blunt version is that I was overweight, lost weight, lost more weight, my periods stopped, I gained weight to try and get them to start again and nothing happened. That was the situation as of a few months ago.
Well a few things have changed. I’ve had a period, in fact I’ve had two!
Halle-fucking-lujah. There were tears of joy and a big thank you to the universe, but it’s only half as awesome as it sounds as those periods have been as a result of some medication. Since June I’ve been going to the hospital for a lot of tests including ultrasounds and some more invasive and unpleasant stuff. The good thing is that those tests have ruled a lot of things out, although at one point they did think I had an under sized uterus, something which was doubled checked but isn’t an issue. Once I had all those tests there were no other options going forward but to wait and see what happens, or try medication. After a long discussion with the consultant and taking into account my medical history and age I decided to go down that route. It wasn’t an easy decision but I felt it was right for me.
As taking the medication is still no guarantee of a period, to have had them is a really positive sign and I do feel like I’m half way there now. I still haven’t ovulated, which I have to admit has really upset me as I felt like I was making such good progress, but after 2 years I am finally getting somewhere with this.
After talking to the consultant they don’t believe that my weight changes are the only thing that has caused this problem, and my official diagnosis is post pill amenorrhea rather than hypothalamic amenorrhea. However, we have discussed my current weight, which as I have said a few times is in the ‘overweight’ BMI category at 11st 7lbs (yep!) and she has encouraged me to stay around this weight while I try this medication. I’ve also been supporting my body with lots of nourishing whole foods, some specific supplementation and trying to be as relaxed as I can about the whole thing, but it is tough! I guess I’m taking a fully holistic approach with nutrition and lifestyle choices alongside medication. I’m also considering going back for acupuncture next year.
I’ve had some nasty side effects, but they are manageable and exercise has been really helpful with them. As I said, I’m trying this two pronged approach with nutrition and medication, and I’m hoping that within the next 6 months I might have this sorted finally!
Other than that continuing bloody saga, things are pretty good with me right now. Despite being at my heaviest weight in a few years I’m really happy. I was looking back at some very old blog posts and realised that when I first set out to lose weight, the goal weight I had in mind is what I am right now which gives me some perspective. I need to remember that I am still a lot less than I once was! What I’ve found is that I just ‘stick’ at this weight – I might gain a couple of pounds on holiday, but then lose them again afterwards and I just naturally settle between 11 and 11.5 stone. I know that if I wanted to I could lose weight, but there’s several reasons I don’t want to do that.
Firstly, I LOVE food. Like, really love it, and I may sometimes be greedy, but I really don’t care. Food brings me a lot of pleasure – cooking, baking, sharing and eating it. For me, I’d rather be 10 lbs heavier and have that enjoyment. It’s not that I’m eating crap of course, as I’ve said before I do best at a 90/10 kind of mix of heathy / less healthy foods, I just eat a lot of the healthy ones sometimes!
Secondly, I hand on heart, genuinely, prefer my body at this weight to what it would be if I was a stone lighter. Ok, maybe just a couple of pounds off would be an improvement, but as I said above, I’d rather be eating the food than worrying about my size right now. I think because I was bigger pretty much my whole life up until 4 years ago, my body just needs that extra fat so that I don’t get saggy skin!
Also, it’s clearly not going to help my hormones if I stress my body out and try and get to a much lower, and for me, unhealthy body weight.
Lastly, this weight is sustainable for me. I can’t see how I would be able to keep up the changes I would need to make to maintain a lower weight at the moment – i.e more exercise and less food. For one I just don’t have the time I used to for exercise, but that’s ok.
Speaking of exercise, it’s kind of been on the back burner for a while. With my hormonal issues I’ve been scared to push myself, but I know I’ll never go back to the days of working out 6+ times a week, so I feel that as long as I keep a balance I can be more settled with my workouts and the form of exercise I do. I’m super excited about the New Year as I’d really like to make some changes to the gym workouts’ve been doing recently. It would be nice to build some more muscle and strength and dare I say some short, slow runs. We will see!
With all of this stuff a very positive thought for me is that I have a choice. I’m choosing to be at this weight – I could lose weight if I wanted to, I know how to do that, I’ve done it, I help clients every week do it, and that thought is very empowering.
So yes, right now I’m probably in the best place I’ve been since I started blogging almost 4 years ago. That’s not to say I don’t get my wobbles – believe me I still do every now and again, an unflattering photograph, slightly too tight jeans etc can set me off, but I’m able to handle them better than ever before. I still have to keep an eye on my weight too. As much as I am happy where I am, I would not be comfortable or feel at my healthiest much bigger than this. That is where my dialling it up approach works well for me – I can still enjoy my food without swinging from the ‘binge’ to the ‘restrict’ ends of the spectrum when I feel I need to get back to a healthier place.
I do use the scales, but I think my relationship with them is very healthy, they certainly don’t run my life like they used to. I’m saying here I’m 11 st 7 lbs but really that number is meaningless. That’s what I am on my scales. On my aunts scales in Brighton I was 11 st 3 lbs! So I only use my weight as a way of ensuring that I’m maintaining – alongside other much better ways of doing it like the fit of my clothes and er, looking in the mirror!
So to sum up, I almost feel like I’ve come full circle. I’m back at the weight I was when I started blogging, eating without any restrictions and feeling very happy. Once my hormones are sorted, watch out world!
Thanks for reading yet another one of my rambles! If you are in the process of losing / gaining weight do you have a goal in mind? If you’ve reached your goal, how did you know it was right for you?
p.s. I already had some of this post drafted before you all said you liked these wordy posts in the comments on my giveaway, but it’s lovely to know you enjoy reading them! Also there is a post on hormone balancing and finding your ’set point’ weight in the pipeline for January!