As I mentioned last week, I’ve now been blogging for 4 years, one of the benefits of which is being able to look back over your past in rather a lot of detail. I’ve been able to see my journey, losing weight, to losing more once I started blogging, and then how my all or nothing nature took me to such a low weight my periods stopped. I’ve been gaining weight for the last two years, rightfully so, to help bring my body back to balance.
It hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. Each time I started to feel uncomfortable in myself, the feeling would pass. I got to the point where I really embraced my body, curves and all. However, now I’m on the other side of the weight gain process I’ve still continued to gain weight. This has been down to a combination of factors, one being that my metabolism was in the gutter after being restrictive for so long, so everything I ate just stuck. Secondly, I’ve had far too much of the ‘fuck it’ attitude going on, that being, ‘fuck it, just eat those truffles, you need to gain weight to be healthy anyway so you’re allowed’. This way of thinking is a double edged sword, on one hand, while I legitimately needed to gain weight it was fantastic, but now I don’t, that whole way of thinking is not helpful. The last two years I’ve developed habits of over eating – which was required at the time – but which is no longer needed.
That is my issue really, I have no problem eating healthy food – but I do have a problem with eating too much of it. I suffer from ‘eyes too big for my belly’ far too often and I believe that years of yoyo dieting has compromised my natural hunger and fullness signals which makes over eating something I need to keep an eye on. I need to remember that I may have had two years of restrictive behaviour, but before then I had a lifetime of being overweight.
To be honest I’m probably making too much of a song and dance about this, it’s only really been since November when I went to Brighton, which was then followed by Christmas, that I’ve been struggling with feeling past my best weight wise. I know that for me to be healthy I’m never going to be a size 10, but where I am right now is not healthy for me either. If I had to talk numbers, it’s really not much, maybe 7 – 10lbs over. I know that my body reflects my behaviours and there has been a little too much sugar, alcohol and overeating going on these last couple of month, although it has been a much better balance than in previous years. To be clear, the overeating has just been down to a bit of gluttony, I haven’t experienced out of control binges for a very long time, in fact I can’t remember the last time I felt like that!
With all that in mind I feel like 2014 is a big fresh start with my relationship with food. After swinging from one end of the scale to the other I feel like I need to build new habits that are not restrictive, nor over indulgent. I don’t hate my body as it is right now because I know that it’s only this way because of how I have treated it, however I would like to feel healthier and be fitter. As I’ve said before, I have lost weight in the past and I am more than well equipped to do it again – and with my added knowledge from the training I’ve done over the last 4 years and all the clients I’ve coached, I know I can do it healthily and sustainably.
As I wrote in a recent wordy post, I am still under the care of a hospital consultant with regards to my hormones so I need to be careful I don’t over do it. I don’t plan to restrict food groups, I’m using my Dial It Up approach to keep things sensible and sustainable. While my body is still rebalancing I’m making sure I get loads of extra nourishing foods, but I’m just keeping an eye on portion sizes. I’m loving my workouts at the moment and I feel like I what I’m doing right now is something I could keep up over the long haul. I’m actively making sure I have some treats each week so that I don’t feel deprived too. I’m not calorie counting either as I want the focus to be on nourishing my body with food rather than being concerned with how many calories is in that avocado.
So yes, I’d like to lose a little weight, but no I don’t hate my body, and no, I’m not doing a ‘diet’ to get there. Been there, done that!
Ffion’s post struck a chord with me because I was feeling guilty that I should want to lose weight, but why? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel your best as long as that is within what is healthy for your body and motivated by a desire to feel good rather than a desire to fit an unrealistic social mould.
As I’ve blogged recently I’ve found a nice groove with my eating, most days looking something like this…
- Lemon and warm water followed by one cup of organic coffee with almond milk. if I’m going to the gym early I’ll have a homemade snack ball before I go and a smoothie – usually green with spinach or kale a piece of fruit, scoop of protein powder and some maca and greens powder added – when I get home. If I’m not at the gym then I might have porridge with an egg, fruit, nuts or nut butter, a coconut flour bake or oatless porridge.
- Lunch is a salad or soup – both veggie packed. I’ve been loving my anti inflammatory lentil soup and for salads I like tinned tuna or salmon with olives or a variation of my Superfood Salad. I also enjoyed my crustless quiches last week.
- Snacks when I’m at the office have been coconut flour blueberry muffins, nuts and seeds. When I’m at home I like a green smoothie, sometimes with dried fruit and nut topping or occasionally a fresh juice
- Dinner is some good quality meat such as organic beef, wild salmon or freedom food chicken with veggies. I love a good paleo cottage pie, beef stew or Thai red chicken curry with cauliflower rice
- I’ve been finding that I don’t need a dessert during the week, but on weekends I like to have some raw chocolate, protein fluff or frozen berries with yoghurt.
- During the day I drink gallons of green tea, I also try and have a daily matcha shot. I’ll also have a couple of cups of rooibos with unsweetened almond milk. I’m refocusing on drinking plenty of plain water as well.
As I said, I am actively having ‘treats’ such as pasta when I’ve eaten out, cheese on toast (my not so guilty pleasure!), pastries and cake once – twice a week to make sure I feel balanced.
When it comes to maintaining weight loss, or just general health for that matter, I think its a case of observing, assessing and readjusting. Doing the Super Conscious Living Programme myself, and seeing others do it, has reminded me that we all change and what works at one stage in our life doesn’t mean it will work in another.
Right now I’m feeling really good about all of this, I’ve already seen a difference in my body since the start of the year so it seems that my metabolism is functioning a lot better. Once I’m at a place I feel more comfortable I plan to dial back some of the cardio exercise and dial up the strength training and treats to maintain. I’m so excited about this stage in my journey!
Have you ever felt guilty about wanting to lose weight?