On feeling the negatives
I apologise in advance if this post comes off as a bit of a moan – although let’s be honest, it basically is one giant rant so do forgive the self indulgence of this! However I have a feeling that some of these things will also strike a cord with you, in which case I’m giving you a high five and a hug.
Sometimes we just need to know it’s ok to feel how we feel, and to process that accordingly, so here we go…
I’m fed up of feeling guilty about fucking everything and second guessing myself all. the. time.
I feel bad that I actually would like to lose a little weight to feel better in my body but that by doing so I’m just buying into bullshit oppressive diet culture.
I sometimes feel like I’m back at school being the outsider just desperately trying to be one of the cool girls.
I still feel like the fat girl sometimes. I still go into shops and wonder if I’ll find clothes that will fit me – because my childhood visits to Tammy Girl have scarred me for life.
I’m fed up of being told this is right and this is wrong – of being patronised, lied to and generally made to feel like I’m never ever going to be enough.
I feel like I’ll never find a way of really expressing the entirety of who I am.
I feel guilty that all of these are such pathetic first world problems and that the people who really need help aren’t getting it.
I feel like these last few weeks I’ve been pulled down to the bottom of the sea, and only now am I rising to the top of the water.
It’s funny how sometimes you don’t realise things weren’t quite right until you get to the other side of it. Feeling completely de motivated, tired, uninspired and not the least bit excited about life these last few weeks has been hard. I’ve been wondering what on earth is wrong with me.
Something that’s coming out of all of this for me, is just being ok with being where I am right now and feeling the way I feel. It can be so easy to push ourselves away from less happy inspiring unicorn and rainbow thoughts and feelings and to really get down and dirty with our more shadowy parts. That’s where I am at the moment – being ok with those darker parts of myself.
It seems to me like there’s so much out there with the possibility of making us feel like shit, even when that isn’t it’s intention – anything and everything has the capacity to make us feel guilty or that we aren’t doing it correctly. Take body positivity as an example – I think the movement is incredible, but it’s become another thing I fail at – or feel like I’m failing at – even though I know that isn’t what it’s about.
The thing that makes us strong and able to navigate all of these potentially shit feeling causing things in life is having a strong foundation inside us, a kind of emotional resilience. I’m discovering for myself, that stuff will show up again and again until you finally learn the lesson and get the message and for me at the moment, that’s about exploring those darker bits so I can build a stronger foundation inside.
My power, confidence and a strong sense of self are all things that were oppressed in me as I grew up (discovered through all the mindset work I do particularly around food and body image), all things that now feel dark and negative to me and all things that I massively struggle to truly embody.
Well I’m calling time on that – I’m noticing the places I feel guilt, not enoughness or a case of the ‘shoulds’ and instead of running from those feelings I’m listening in to see what they are trying to tell me, what needs to change. Remember – you are your own expert. Be an expert in you.
What negative / dark feelings are you running away from? What do you need to get off your chest? Feel free to tell me in the comments!